Good grief with this grief already

You should all know, grief, it's stupid. Like, really stupid. The problem with grief, is that I can never tell if its anger, depression, or anxiety...or just fucking grief. 

When I knew his time was up, and that a death was eminent, I subscribed to an idea of grief.

The death of my father was going to make me cry for hours on end.
Make me throw myself on a coffin.
Force me to live at his grave-site until threatened with a sanitarium holiday.

I haven't hit the mark on either of those. Instead I am this guy ----

Image result for kevin spacey seven

In case you aren't familiar with that warm and fuzzy photo, that's a screen shot from Seven, the one where the hero, named John Doe, sets out to rid the world of those that participate in the Seven Deadly Sins. In the film, he describes being grossed out by everything and everyone. 

That's me. No joke, that is all me. That is my fucking grief. 

People's laughter and simpleton chatter drive me insane. The mere sound of Kyle Mclachlan's voice on Twin Peaks, evoked a very violent reaction to the point that I had to remove myself from the room before I put my weak little wrist through the tv. AND I FUCKING LOVE KYLE MCLACHLAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

I am angry. I am angry all the time. Not that it's much a change. My brooding teenage attitude matured in a brooding adult. But when you mature, you can pretend to be "ok" in normal society. You can pretend you don't have anxiety, and put on a show, even if it's just for a few hours. But I can't right now. I can't pretend. 

I thought I had a table at wailing city?Instead I am sitting on a toilet talking myself down from freaking out on someone. And then boom, tears. They just come, and they don't stop because in between talking myself in to acting normal, I think of my dad tapping his feet to tex-mex, or sneaking in sugared cereals, and fast food. 

Seriously? That's when a random happy thought of my dad comes up? What the fuck?


A friend told me today to not "set yourself on fire to keep other people warm". So, sorry assholes, you might have to deal with grief for a just bit longer. 

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